“God doesn’t wait until we’re perfect to send things into our lives.” My wise and beautiful sister Krystal told me that truth Saturday morning. It was 7am and i was having a bit of an emotional…err “break down” if you will. I’m not sure how this wonderful woman deals with me, but she does so with such grace and gentle kindness…I’d be so lost without her long talks that last into the early morning…and she always has tissues too!
I think i try to over correct sometimes because i think that i’m not perfect enough for God to do anything good for me until i get myself together. But that is a lie from the enemy. God loves us no matter where we are in our lives, in the middle of the mud and dirt, He’s there with us. And He loves us no matter how dirty,screwed up, or broken we are. I think that i must be fully healed so He can do good things in my life, but then i realize that every time He’s used me and brought me beautiful things in the past, it was when i was terribly broken and bleeding. Praise God for His limitless love and grace.
I have never questioned God’s love for me. I know that God loves me and that i don’t have to do anything to earn His love. I know that God could never love me more or less than He does right now. My issue is that i think i have to have it all together, be perfect, before God will use me or send anything good and happy into my life. I start to conger up reasons in my own head why God must have me where He has me, why he hasn’t done something i asked for yet…and my mind always goes to one answer…because i haven’t learned yet! Yes that must be it! God must want me to learn a lesson in patience before He moves me from here, so i must work on learning that. And of course the reason i haven’t found the hunky, hunky, love of my life yet is that i must learn to only depend on God for emotional strength and stability, ookay I’ll work on that too. And well, i would take that position in church, but err i have issues, and I’m always late for service…i laugh too much anyway God. You must want me to wait until i have these things worked out first right? Yeah i know You do. So I’ll work on them and get back to You…when I’m good enough.
And the list goes on and on…Everything depends on me and what i do, and i must get it together and learn my lesson so God can do things in my life. But this of course is all in my own thinking, not Gods.
I’m not good enough to have the good things in life. That’s what my thinking comes down to. I’m not perfect. Not good enough. Not seasoned. Not learned. That is all c. r. a. p. CRAP. God doesn’t care about perfection. He is perfection and He created us in His image, and that should be enough for us to think good of ourselves. I know it’s hard. I’m just as screwed up as any of you. I have my battle scars from nights of desperation. I have things i struggle to overcome. But God wants to use me in spite of those things, and He wants to bless me in the process of healing. My sister also told me that same night that “God will send people and things into your life to meet you where you are and help you through”. And it’s true, i have been sent some beautiful people and have been allowed to experience beautiful things, all while i was so deeply broken…i wasn’t even near healing when God sent beauty in the form of relationships and opportunities. God is so full of Grace…it leaves me speechless. I look back and think “Wow God, You knew what i needed and when i needed it, You sent it all just in the right time…when i was hurting and lonely, and needed some understanding and love. Now, if God sent beautiful things to me then, when i was in the middle of such dirt, then what makes me think He won’t do it now? What makes me think that this time i have to have it “together” to be happy and experience His blessings?
My own stupid thinking. My own self hatred and deprecation. My own un-forgiveness for my past mistakes. My own need to be enough.
I always feel like I’m hanging my head in shame and telling God “I’m just not perfect…”
And He always comes back with “I never wanted you to be. That’s why i choose you. That’s why you need Me.”
I have come to realize that it’s a blessing to be broken. Because that’s when i cling to God the most. I’m so desperate for His love and healing that i get as close as possible and cling, and immerse, and dive deeply into everything He is. I remember a time last year when i was so hurt and broken, i was almost numb, and i was very confused. I NEEDED God, so i started praying like i never had, there were these prayers in one of the books i own and i would say those every night. I started a prayer list with my mom and my sister and we would pray it together every night going through the whole list one person at a time, focusing less on my issues and more on the needs of loved ones. I read books and devotionals. I read my Bible. I talked and cried to my mom, my sister, and my friend. I talked and cried, and yelled, and pleaded to God. That desperate and painful time in my life, that was when i was closest to God, and closest to who i actually am. I was stronger and had some, albeit small, perspective.
To put it simply, take one bleeding girl and give her Jesus, and you end up with something that looks a bit like beauty. Something like healing. Something exactly like love. Desperation + Jesus = beauty. What a concept. What great amazing grace. Jesus is all we need. Jesus is all i want. I am broken. I am bleeding. I am dirty. I am imperfect. I am fallen. But i have Jesus. I was bought with innocent and pure blood. I am saved and sanctified. I am justified. I am loved beyond measure. I am beautiful. I am healed by His stripes. And i am a beautiful on going portrait…unfinished, and only defined by the brush strokes of my Maker.
Praise God, the healer of the broken and the Maker of all. Praise God, my Savoir, the only one i adore. Praise God, my love, my heart and my soul…you own them all, and in your hands they are safe. I am free to fall with You holding me, my dear precious Savior don’t ever, i know You’ll never, ever let go of me.