I think we all can relate to the need to say the things that so obviously need to be said, we all long to commutate our feelings; no one wants to be silenced. For me, being silenced is one of my biggest hurts; I need to be heard in order to feel okay and safe. Writing gave me a way to speak my feelings in a safe environment. To my knowledge the people that I write about most often have no idea that they have spurred so many feelings and thoughts in my heart and mind, and I am thankful for that. My feelings are my own. My heart speaks softly, and my love flows so deep, that it is best for me to keep my thoughts to myself until God allows me to share them. Sometimes He doesn’t, and that is okay. Writing makes me feel validated and free. It makes me feel counted and heard. And it makes me feel closer to who I am; closer to my heart and soul.
A lot of things I write are about loss, and while yes they are sad, I have come to love them, because when I lost the one person who made my heart feel alive, my creativity was birthed. Creativity and loss go hand and hand quite often, I never would have thrown myself into writing, or even into baking, if I hadn’t been in so much pain that my soul had to find some way of release. Pain will push us to create. It will push us to fight. You get to a point in life where all around you is death, and you scrap at the walls of the grave for a way out of the abyss, because somewhere deep inside of you there is still some will to live and smile. I got so desperate to smile again and see light that I started to grab at the basics….words and food.
I started to bake; cupcakes, brownies, bars, you name it I made it, and it made me feel alive again, to create something out of nothing, to know you had a hand in doing something unique and beautiful is the most self-gratifying thing; especially when you feel thrown away, like a doll that has been re-shelved. That is until you one day pick up a mixing bowl and a whisk, you tie on that pretty apron, and you start brain storming up lovely ingredients…hmm, some cocoa here, some flour there, a little cream cheese and vanilla…Oh, Maybe some toffee bits and chocolate chunks! Hours later you decorate your creation with massive yummy fluffy frosting, dyed with such happy colors, and you step back and know you really have a gift, and you are not a doll on a shelve, you are special and can make special things. The things you make put smiles on people’s faces. Baking gave me confidence back.
Writing did the same thing; i have spent hours upon hours at my computer typing my hearts thoughts away. After loss and pain of any kind there are things to be said and emotions too feel, sometimes you do not always get to say these things, and emotions often go through various phases of feeling, in these times you need to work out what is fighting so hard to be dealt with. So you write. You let yourself get lost in the words and feelings, you lose yourself in a different land, a land of freedom; you let these words spill out from the depth of your soul. Some are deeply soft and somber, others may be angry and even sarcastic, but once you have them out of your soul, on paper in front of you, they are suddenly valid, and you are suddenly okay. You have voiced your heart through the written word.
I found my voice though creativity, this is now how I show and express my love, my frustration, my pain, my joyfulness, and confusion. And it is only by God’s lovely grace that I found it. God led me to finding the gift of creativity He had instilled in me from birth, the gift I had for so long buried deep within me because I was afraid to be different, to say or do the wrong thing. But the beautiful thing about God given creativity is that it has no rules, no boundaries, no boxes to stay neatly in; for God is the God of unique beauty and freedom, we are free to explore our hearts and souls without judgment for we are all made to be different, and so of course then the way our creativity manifests will each be different.
God is a joyful God, He gets satisfaction out of creating, so should we. God is the God of creativity, it comes from Him, for He created all things, and He formed us in our mother’s womb. Yes, He spends time and care on each precious child He creates, and He delights in each one. Making them individually beautiful; an expression of His image, an expression of His love.
There are forms of self-expression that have always made my heart leap and twirl, but I abandoned them long ago, and now, God is ushering them back into my life and soul, and I am loving it! I am ready to dive into the creativity He wants me to, because I know I will become more of who I am meant to be through it. If I create for the creator I please the Creator; this is my life’s goal.
Loves, I just want to encourage you to try your hand at being creative, no one even has to hear or see it, let it be only for you. Go to God and seek His creative passion, let Him ignite a fire in your soul that will burst forth with beauty in many forms. It will set you free. It will help you breathe. So breathe and be free; create!